Disclaimer: you do not actually need any of the items on this list to go camping.

1. IPL. Yes, that’s right, intense pulsed light laser therapy. You need to permanently remove all of your unwanted body hair before you go camping. This might sound a little extreme, after all couldn’t you shave while you’re away or wax beforehand or just live with a bit of fuzz? Sure you can if you are one of those lucky blondes or red heads or darker skinned people born with the extremely undervalued genetic advantage of virtually no visible body hair. You people can throw caution to the wind and skip off into the sunset of camping adventures with never a thought for your poor fair-skinned-dark-haired friends. They who are suffering from ill timed waxes weeks before beach camping weekends and who must race into the surf to avoid exposure, they who foolishly attempt to shave their goosebumped legs under an icy cold tap, they who must wear long trousers in hot weather. To those people, my brethren, I say to thee – go zap yourself with a freeking laser beam! It is simply the best thing a beautician can do for you. You will never ever regret taking this advice…unless it turns out that laser beams are bad for you, in which case, you’re an idiot for zapping yourself with a laser beam because you read about it on the internet.
2. Silk robe. Ok, I’ll admit this sounds a little excessively luxurious but believe me when I say you really really do need a silk robe on your camping trip. Picture this: you wake up snuggled in your sleeping bag in your tent or van wearing just your underwear or long johns or, perhaps, nothing at all. (If you are waking up in pyjamas you have taken to much stuff camping with you.) You blearily struggle out of the bag and to the flap of the tent/reach for the van door – you can stumble out in your birthday suit or underwear or you can fiddle around for ten minutes trying to find what you want to wear for the day (and inevitably accidentally put on the bad socks from yesterday). Alternatively, you can slip into a little silk number and step outside with modesty, comfort and a little touch of class. The robe is also vital during the ablution process. Whether you are headed for a shower block or to the river or just to the tap, the robe allows you to avoid hopping around on one foot trying to swizzle your slightly damp self into your jeans or walking back to your tent in an indecent and or comically small towel. “But why silk?” you ask? Self evidently a polyester robe is an abomination, while a terry towelling robe is too heavy. Silk is lightweight, surprisingly sturdy, easily hand-washable and dries quickly.
3. A proper towel. Now by ‘proper’ I don’t mean that you need to take a full sized bath sheet with you, far from it. What I mean is that you must, at all costs, avoid those completely ineffective ‘camping’ towels that are sold in outdoor-wear stores. I challenge anyone to use one to completely dry themselves without the assistance of wind or the application of heat. It is impossible. You will end up damp and frustrated and holding an incredibly wet and heavy piece of futuristic cloth which will absolutely refuse to dry over the next very warm sunny day and by the time it is more or less dry it will stink of wet towel mould grossness. Woe betide those who think the towel will ever dry in high humidity. No, what you need is a proper hand towel. They dry you very well indeed (because they are actual towels) and dry themselves quite quickly (because they are terribly small). Of course you will need a robe to walk back to the tent in, but you’ve already packed that.
4. Silk hammock. No more sitting around on wobbly rocks, splinter filled bits of wood or the cold ground. You will laze yourself into your cloud of silk for a little rest with a cup of tea and a biscuit and arise completely refreshed, while your earth dwelling companions groan about cold buttocks and sore bones. See item ‘3’ for the reasoning behind the choice of fabric…also a terry towelling hammock would just be plain weird and a cotton one too flimsy and heavy.
5. Jet Boil. So you enjoyed your cup of tea while lazing in your hammock, enjoying the feeling of being freshly washed, properly dried and hanging in your comfy robe. Lovely. But how did you make the cup of tea? Did you stare for eons into the tiny flame of the old stove contemplating how desperately you’d like to get into that hammock before someone else steals it and pretends to be asleep? Or did your water boil with the whoosh of a flame thrower, thus allowing you to have your mitts on your tasty tea within seconds rather than hours? If it was the latter you were using a Jet Boil. Buy the Jet Boil.